Sunday, 30 December 2012

A fellow was making Franz Liszt

A fellow was making Franz Liszt
by Rick Lime

A fellow was making Franz Liszt
There've been rumors at least, of a tryst
But Chopin was his rival
And so this contrival
Holds no proof the men even kissed

check out Mad Kane's weekly limerick contest

Thursday, 27 December 2012

Happy TV New Years

Happy TV New Years
by Rick Lime

As another ball falls in Time Square
And another show goes off the air
A new idol gets picked
A survivor gets kicked
And for one more year we prepare

Wednesday, 26 December 2012

Ironic traditions

Ironic traditions
by Rick Lime

Some Christmas traditions seem quirky
Like frankincense gold and the myrrh. Key 
to some on the list
Is an ironic twist
Like for dinner we gobble a turkey

Santa's list

Santa's list
by Rick Lime

Mr Claus since they say you bring toys
To a list of all good girls and boys
Either you’re a real cad
Or all poor kids are bad
Your regressiveness sadly annoys

Monday, 24 December 2012

If the milk is free ...

If the milk is free ...
by Rick Lime

If the milk is free don’t buy the goat
Paraphrases an adage of note
But, there's women who see
Things quite differently
They’ll have sausage and not buy the shoat

Going down in history

Going down in history
by Rick Lime

A butch from around Dawson Crick
Met an Irish femme in Limerick
So it came as no myst’ry
They went down in hist’ry
As Klon-dyke and little Gay-lick

A likely story

A likely story
by Rick Lime

The trial was about to commence
When the lawyer, at no small expense
Said “My clients no creep,
With regards to that sheep
He was helping it over the fence”

Hide your stash

Hide your stash
by Rick Lime

If the drug cops bust you for the crime
Of possessing a bag worth a dime
Here’s advice I will share
Throw it high in the air
But this only works for a short time

Sunday, 23 December 2012

Lesbian frogs ... really?

Lesbian frogs ... really?
by Rick Lime

Two lesbian frogs were love stricken
Before long their legs started kickin’
And when they were done
Piped up frog number one
“I’m surprised but we do taste like chicken”

Saturday, 22 December 2012

Liars and whores

Liars and whores
by Rick Lime

(after the NRA's outrageous response to the Sandy Hook school massacre)

The NRA’s statements aren't true
Arming cross walk attendants won't do
Fewer guns, fewer deaths
Fewer children's last breaths
Let's bid all assault weapons adieu

NRA leadership doesn't see
Their proposal's as insane can be
We'll have nothing less than
An assault weapons ban
And most NRA members agree

So now let's try to do this once more
And ban all guns designed to wage war
If your rep on the hill
Doesn't sign such a bill
Then you're represented by a whore

Wednesday, 19 December 2012

Al fresco

Al fresco
by Rick Lime

It was dark in the park after class
They lay down for a quick piece of ass
But her frustration grew
So she said "Please can you
Find a light and stop eating the grass?"

The stupid channel

The stupid channel
by Rick Lime

The pundits on Fox News are cursed
But as idiots who would come first?
I’ll be even meaner
Each one is a wiener
To be precise I mean dumbwurst

It's like watching professional wrestling for journalists.

He should have told Friday

He should have told Friday
by Rick Lime

For several years, maybe more
Robin Crusoe at night would implore
“Please god send me a date”
Then by luck or by fate
Halle Berry got washed up onshore

So, he rescued her out of the swell
And soon deep into love they both fell
Then one day Crusoe said
"May I please call you Ted
And can we cut your hair short as well"

Next evening while dinner was stewing
They walked down the beach two by two-ing
He took her aside
And he whispered with pride
“Ted, you’ll never believe who I’m doing”

Bah Humbug

Bah Humbug
by Rick Lime

Merry Christmas and Joyeux Noel
Season’s greetings, please let me dispel
That humbuggy rumor
I’m in a bad humor
Happy New Year, sing Ding Dang Dong Dell

Monday, 17 December 2012

Who's counting

Who's counting
by Rick Lime

There's just three kinds of people, I'll grant
As a number that might appear scant
But the first group, like me
Know to count up to three
While the folks in the other group can't

Sunday, 16 December 2012

A woman who always wore blue

A woman who always wore blue
by Rick Lime

A woman who always wore blue
Got her dress stained by Pres forty-two
He said “Lew stop that gumming
I hear someone coming”
She said “Bill I think that it’s you”

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Wednesday, 12 December 2012

Monty Hall's puzzle

Monty Hall's puzzle
By Rick Lime

Monty Hall was a game show host whiz
All acclaim for this puzzle is his
He'd deliver his spiel
Then say "Let's make a deal".
And that show is the scene for this quiz

A young couple was once asked to choose
Curtain A, B, or C, with no clues
Only one holds a prize
So it's no big surprise
There's a two in three chance that they'll lose

Their decision's the one labeled C
And they're happy as kids in a tree
'Cuz the host quickly shows
What he already knows
That there's nothing behind curtain B

But the host has got one final play
And it's argued about to this day
He now says they can switch
And that leads to my pitch
Would you keep C or trade it for A?

Missing Money

Missing Money
by Rick Lime
December 11, 2012

There once were three men from Khartoum
And for thirty pounds they rent a room
So, they each put in ten
But we're not at the end
There's much more to this tale, let's resume

Now, the Inn keeper's erred in the rate
Tells his bellboy  five pounds to rebate
He gives one to each guest 
And then he keeps the rest
Well, this theft makes the landlord irate

Cuz some money is missing, although
Where it possibly went, he don't know
Each paid nine for their kip
Plus the two kept in tip
There's another pound yet, where'd it go?

Tuesday, 11 December 2012

I'm not old

I'm not old
by Rick Lime

I’m not old cuz I walk with a stoop
I’m not old cuz some parts of me droop
But I’m more old than not
Cuz I recently bought
Campbell’s large type face alphabet soup

Eye Contact

Eye Contact
by Rick Lime

On occasion I've heard her confess
Conversations with men cause her stress
She can't look in their eyes
Although that's no surprise
Cuz her eyes are not down on her breasts

Monday, 10 December 2012

Henny Youngman's joke

Henny Youngman's joke
by Rick Lime

She was single, straight and twenty-nine
So she searched for a husband on-line
On her very first try
She received a reply
It said "Stop your search, you can have mine!"

A fellow in need of a doc

A fellow in need of a doc
by Rick Lime

A fellow in need of a doc
With some folklore was starting to balk
He ate Red Delicious
But puked repetitious
That apple a day thing’s a crock

Saturday, 8 December 2012

Not too urbane

Not too urbane
by Rick Lime

A man who was not too urbane
Delayed posting this half writ refrain
A schlemiel and a schmuck
He just ran out of luck
Finding rhyming words not too profane

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Thursday, 6 December 2012

Politically Incorrect

Politically Incorrect
by Rick Lime

This PC politeness must end
'Cause we're all too afraid to offend
If you thnk I'm a prick
And my sight makes you sick
Then with all due respect, let's unfriend.

Sunday, 2 December 2012

The affair

The affair
by Rick Lime

A director was fired, it was due
It seemed kinky but proved to be true
He was in an affair
With the boards easy chair
And the Chairwoman lost her job too.

Saturday, 1 December 2012

The Brazilian

The Brazilian
by Rick Lime

A lady with tears in her eyes
Said,  gesturing down ‘tween her thighs,
 “I've done something silly an’
I've had a Brazilly an'
I said “You've had how many guys”?

No more sex?

No more sex?
by Rick Lime

A young wife to her husband did speak
“Doctor says no more sex for a week”
Quoth the husband “I pray
That your dentist will say
You can just use a different technique”