The Third Plank

I first told this story to some friends I knew for a short period of time many decades ago. I really don't mean to make too light of the subject matter, but they thought it was quite funny. Then again, they were a captive audience.

Since before I could even grow stubble

My drinking has got me in trouble

But the worst that it got

Might be when I was caught

In my car after drinking a double (or six)

First the cops put me under arrest

Then the judge wasn’t very impressed

Though he granted me bail

He said “You’ll go to jail

If you fail to perform on my test”

Then he said “Booze imbibing’s a bane

And I think the whole world should abstain

So return here, young man

In a week with a plan

So you won’t stand before me again”

I said “Thank you your worship, your grace”

Hurried home to consider my case

Then went back in a week

And proceeded to speak

Of the plan that I’d put into place

I said “Judge, I knew just what to do

First, I scissored my licence in two”

But the judge, somewhat gruff

Said “That isn’t enough

And I hope for your sake you’re not through”

“No your honor”, I said with some pluck

“By itself, I agree, that would suck

But my plan is to walk

So I hope you don't balk

When I tell you I peddled my truck”

Then the judge looked at me quite unkind

Like he thought I was out of my mind

He said "Sonny I think

You'll still drive when you drink

So it’s off to the clink and you’re fined"

I begged “Judge, ‘fore I go to the can

I implore you, I’m now a new man

First my license is gone

Then my truck is in pawn

And I've still got a plank in my plan

On those nights when I'm tipping the jar

I no longer will have to go far

I'll just drink where I'm at

‘Cuz I gave up my flat

And I took a room over the bar”

Purity

I recently got pulled into a discussion about which progressive activities were the most effective and whether voting should be encouraged. Some 'leftists' need a kick in the pants!

You will wander and wend 'ere you find

Any man with a more open mind

'One for all' to a fault

I'm the anti John Galt

I'm progressive, inclusive and kind

I believe in "United We Stand"

And in sharing the fat of the land

So you'd think i would know

How to go with the flow

When we're not eye to eye; glove in hand

Take this fellow from work, he's a peer

Though he's charitable and sincere

I won't give to his cause

As it still gives me pause

When he labels all gay people 'queer'

And the candidate I should endorse

She's a socialist stalwart, of course

Can't rely on my vote

Cuz I read in a quote

Of her catholic views on divorce

There's my cousin whose fighting pollution

He's requested a small contribution

And I'd lend him a hand 

If he'd alter his stand

On the Middle East two state solution

My objections to some seem obscure

And at times even I can't be sure 

But out here on the left

We're exceedingly deft

At deciding whose tainted or pure 

If you think that my views are extreme

They're not nearly unique as they seem

Our ideals are intact

And we're ready to act

We just need to awake from the dream

That our differences all melt away

And we join hands together and sway

Cuz we know in our heart

We were meant to be part

Of the grand resurrection of Che

The Witnesses

I told this story, a couple of years ago, when I was teaching an Introduction to Computing course. My intent was to demonstrate the pitfalls of multi-tasking. It also, sort of, has a little fun at the expense of Jehovah's Witnesses.  How was I to know that my class included half a dozen members of the local Kingdom Hall. I was a little embarrassed, but they were good sports about it. Here it is, translated into verse form.

Kith and Kin here’s a day in the life

Of an overwrought mother and wife

Though the tale I will mete

In a regular beat

Mine’s a moral where chaos is rife

I awoke; it was seven-fifteen

Tried to dress but no undies were clean

So, I stripped to the buff

Gathered clothes in a huff

Trundled down to the washing machine

As a mother I’ve learned how to cope

And I seldom will snivel, or mope

So I took it in stride

(Okay, maybe I sighed)

When I found we were fresh out of soap

Then I heard the most god-awful noise

Like the crashing of dishes and toys

I went running upstairs

Midst the yelling and glares

Of my ten year old twin little boys

I asked “Why must you act like baboons?”

As I set out the bowls and the spoons

Then the hubby yelled “Dear,

What’s that racket I hear?”

All this week he was on afternoons

To the bedroom I flew “Hon, don’t fuss”

“It’s not something we need to discuss”

I said “Kids! Now I’m mad

You just woke up your dad”

But they’d already left for the bus

So I started to work at the sink

Plan my day, take a moment to think

When the telephone rang

To the office I sprang

On the line it was MasterCard Inc.

Well, those guys make me green at the gills

So I sat down to work on the bills

But then something occurred

It was something I heard

 From the kitchen; it gave me the chills

See, the sink overflowed on the floor

Then a ding-dong; who’s that at the door

As I shut of the tap

I was thinking “Oh crap”

What fresh hell could this day have in store

On the stoop were those people you dread

Saving souls for the rapture ahead

When I heard them both say

“How ya doin’ today”

I composed myself first, then I said

“The laundry’s been washed without soap

With my credit card debt I can’t cope

I’ve got more than a hunch

That my kids have no lunch

And I’ve flooded the house, like a dope

But if that’s not enough I’ll attest

That the last has been saved for the best

For I just realized

Cuz you seem so surprised
That I haven’t found time to get dressed!”

Miscarriage of Justice

It's bizarre that Purvi Patel could be charged with both feticide and neglect of a dependent. It's discouraging that a jury would find her guilty of both. And, its frightening that she has been sentenced to 20 years for having a miscarriage.

Purvi’s jury should make us all squirm

Their disdain so unfeeling and firm

All so righteous and pure

Consecratedly sure

That their daughters will carry to term

Obstinate Grit

I was sixteen; I’d dropped out of school

Just an immature know-it-all fool

Still, I showed up each day

Earning minimum pay

To a job where I worked like a mule

The foreman was from the Ukraine

So there’s something I need to explain

The man’s English was broke

So whenever he spoke

He would need to repeat it again

Then, one day I’m unloading a van

And it’s going according to plan

Till I look at the boss

And he seems really cross

He says “Carry as much as you can”

So I set down my load on the floor

Headed back where I picked up some more

But now under the strain

I’m bent over in pain

And the sweat’s really starting to pour

Of the job I’m no longer a fan

But, I want to behave like a man

Then the boss happens by

When he catches my eye

He says “Carry as much as you can”

Now, at this point I have to admit

I was tempted to tell him “I quit!”

But I didn’t explode

I just increased the load

Trudging onward with obstinate grit

When I made my way back to the van

There’s the boss and his lecture began

“For the third time today

You no hear what I say
ONLY carry as much as you can!”

The Putsch

To be clear, the Conservatives in Canada's parliament are every bit as batshit crazy as the Republicans in Washington. The difference is that Stephen Harper runs his government with the discipline of Benito Mussolini and Dick Cheney. Boehner and McConnell on the other hand act like a couple of inept thugs trying to establish  control over the Hole-In-The-Wall gang.

But, as different as these two governments appear, in both cases the result is the same.

The Putsch:

The Koch brothers must be admired

They're relentless, they never got tired

And they mounted a coup

Before anyone knew

That a Pinochet putsch had transpired

Doggerel

Inspired by this snippet from Yeats' Adam's Curse

"A line will take us hours maybe;

Yet if it does not seem a moment’s thought,   

Our stitching and unstitching has been naught."

Proper rhythm and rhyme are the key

To a limerick facile and free 

But my muse is aloof

And the pudding of proof

Is this doggerel now that you ... have before you

The Libertarian

This multi-verse limerick was inspired by a recent online 'exchange' over the growing number of U.S. states that are implementing so-called 'Right to Work' legislation. The intent is not to try to sway anyone's opinion about Right to Work or any of the other libertarian agenda items. Rather, it's intended to show that there's very little use debating these issues with someone driven by ideology and not conscience.

He’s a ‘nothing or all’ kind of guy

Gather ‘round and I’ll tell you all why

With each subject he checks

If it seems too complex

Understanding, he won’t even try

Every issue is treated the same

In his cold libertarian game

When he says “Let’s be free”

He means “Me! Me! Me! Me!”

And this selfishness authors his shame

If he thinks there’s a smidgeon of waste

He will act with remarkable haste

Weed it out branch and root

In a headlong pursuit

To have safety net programs erased

If a union appears to have power

He will over-react and he’ll glower

He’ll remove labor rights

Earned through decades of fights

Till the middle class plight becomes dour

  

Then there’s voter ID, oh my god!

Even though there’s no actual fraud

When restricting the vote

He can’t help but connote

His concern is a racist façade

Any governance stirs up his wrath

Despite science, good conscience or math

His approach, you can see

Will consistently be
Throw the baby away with the bath

Je ne suis pas Charlie

In the aftermath of the Paris terrorist attacks, I ‘liked’ a Facebook infographic that said “Je Suis Charlie”.  I now regret my impulsive action. The attack was abhorrent and I wanted to show my support for free speech.  But, I don’t identify with Charlie Hebdo any more than I identify with Fox News or the infamous Nazi march in Skokie.

Je suis Charlie Hebdo? I think not

Je suis more like the cop that got shot

Charlie’s satire was crude

Both offensive and rude

Ahmed died for their right to write rot

#JeSuisAhmed