The Third Plank

I first told this story to some friends I knew for a short period of time many decades ago. I really don't mean to make too light of the subject matter, but they thought it was quite funny. Then again, they were a captive audience.

Since before I could even grow stubble

My drinking has got me in trouble

But the worst that it got

Might be when I was caught

In my car after drinking a double (or six)

First the cops put me under arrest

Then the judge wasn’t very impressed

Though he granted me bail

He said “You’ll go to jail

If you fail to perform on my test”

Then he said “Booze imbibing’s a bane

And I think the whole world should abstain

So return here, young man

In a week with a plan

So you won’t stand before me again”

I said “Thank you your worship, your grace”

Hurried home to consider my case

Then went back in a week

And proceeded to speak

Of the plan that I’d put into place

I said “Judge, I knew just what to do

First, I scissored my licence in two”

But the judge, somewhat gruff

Said “That isn’t enough

And I hope for your sake you’re not through”

“No your honor”, I said with some pluck

“By itself, I agree, that would suck

But my plan is to walk

So I hope you don't balk

When I tell you I peddled my truck”

Then the judge looked at me quite unkind

Like he thought I was out of my mind

He said "Sonny I think

You'll still drive when you drink

So it’s off to the clink and you’re fined"

I begged “Judge, ‘fore I go to the can

I implore you, I’m now a new man

First my license is gone

Then my truck is in pawn

And I've still got a plank in my plan

On those nights when I'm tipping the jar

I no longer will have to go far

I'll just drink where I'm at

‘Cuz I gave up my flat

And I took a room over the bar”

Obstinate Grit

I was sixteen; I’d dropped out of school

Just an immature know-it-all fool

Still, I showed up each day

Earning minimum pay

To a job where I worked like a mule

The foreman was from the Ukraine

So there’s something I need to explain

The man’s English was broke

So whenever he spoke

He would need to repeat it again

Then, one day I’m unloading a van

And it’s going according to plan

Till I look at the boss

And he seems really cross

He says “Carry as much as you can”

So I set down my load on the floor

Headed back where I picked up some more

But now under the strain

I’m bent over in pain

And the sweat’s really starting to pour

Of the job I’m no longer a fan

But, I want to behave like a man

Then the boss happens by

When he catches my eye

He says “Carry as much as you can”

Now, at this point I have to admit

I was tempted to tell him “I quit!”

But I didn’t explode

I just increased the load

Trudging onward with obstinate grit

When I made my way back to the van

There’s the boss and his lecture began

“For the third time today

You no hear what I say
ONLY carry as much as you can!”

Paying it Forward

I heard this shaggy dog story a few years ago. At that time, it was attributed to Jimmy Pattison, a notorious Canadian one-percenter. I don't know if that part is true. The rest, of course is.

Years ago I was down on my luck

Out of work, I would sleep in my truck

And I often would curse

“Things can’t get any worse!”

‘Til the sole of my shoe came unstuck

When I walked it went “Flippity-Flop”

So I stopped at the shoe repair shop

But the cobbler was brash

And he said “Without cash

I suggest that you skip and you hop”

It was later that day, I recall

On my way to the hiring hall

My old shoe caught a crack

And I fell on my back

There I sat and I started to bawl

But a limo pulled up in the street

A tycoon helped me get to my feet

Then he pulled out a roll

That could choke any foal

Rubber banded to keep it all neat

He said “Son, I was once just like you,

And this might be the least I can do”

He then peeled off the band

Pressed it into my hand

Saying “This ought to bind up your shoe”

What Rhymes with Escherichia?

What Rhymes with Escherichia?
by Rick Lime

You may know I was sick for a while

Seems E.coli encumbers your style

But that’s over and done

I’ve already begun
To amuse, entertain, and beguile