The Third Plank

I first told this story to some friends I knew for a short period of time many decades ago. I really don't mean to make too light of the subject matter, but they thought it was quite funny. Then again, they were a captive audience.

Since before I could even grow stubble

My drinking has got me in trouble

But the worst that it got

Might be when I was caught

In my car after drinking a double (or six)

First the cops put me under arrest

Then the judge wasn’t very impressed

Though he granted me bail

He said “You’ll go to jail

If you fail to perform on my test”

Then he said “Booze imbibing’s a bane

And I think the whole world should abstain

So return here, young man

In a week with a plan

So you won’t stand before me again”

I said “Thank you your worship, your grace”

Hurried home to consider my case

Then went back in a week

And proceeded to speak

Of the plan that I’d put into place

I said “Judge, I knew just what to do

First, I scissored my licence in two”

But the judge, somewhat gruff

Said “That isn’t enough

And I hope for your sake you’re not through”

“No your honor”, I said with some pluck

“By itself, I agree, that would suck

But my plan is to walk

So I hope you don't balk

When I tell you I peddled my truck”

Then the judge looked at me quite unkind

Like he thought I was out of my mind

He said "Sonny I think

You'll still drive when you drink

So it’s off to the clink and you’re fined"

I begged “Judge, ‘fore I go to the can

I implore you, I’m now a new man

First my license is gone

Then my truck is in pawn

And I've still got a plank in my plan

On those nights when I'm tipping the jar

I no longer will have to go far

I'll just drink where I'm at

‘Cuz I gave up my flat

And I took a room over the bar”