The Third Plank

I first told this story to some friends I knew for a short period of time many decades ago. I really don't mean to make too light of the subject matter, but they thought it was quite funny. Then again, they were a captive audience.

Since before I could even grow stubble

My drinking has got me in trouble

But the worst that it got

Might be when I was caught

In my car after drinking a double (or six)

First the cops put me under arrest

Then the judge wasn’t very impressed

Though he granted me bail

He said “You’ll go to jail

If you fail to perform on my test”

Then he said “Booze imbibing’s a bane

And I think the whole world should abstain

So return here, young man

In a week with a plan

So you won’t stand before me again”

I said “Thank you your worship, your grace”

Hurried home to consider my case

Then went back in a week

And proceeded to speak

Of the plan that I’d put into place

I said “Judge, I knew just what to do

First, I scissored my licence in two”

But the judge, somewhat gruff

Said “That isn’t enough

And I hope for your sake you’re not through”

“No your honor”, I said with some pluck

“By itself, I agree, that would suck

But my plan is to walk

So I hope you don't balk

When I tell you I peddled my truck”

Then the judge looked at me quite unkind

Like he thought I was out of my mind

He said "Sonny I think

You'll still drive when you drink

So it’s off to the clink and you’re fined"

I begged “Judge, ‘fore I go to the can

I implore you, I’m now a new man

First my license is gone

Then my truck is in pawn

And I've still got a plank in my plan

On those nights when I'm tipping the jar

I no longer will have to go far

I'll just drink where I'm at

‘Cuz I gave up my flat

And I took a room over the bar”

Purity

I recently got pulled into a discussion about which progressive activities were the most effective and whether voting should be encouraged. Some 'leftists' need a kick in the pants!

You will wander and wend 'ere you find

Any man with a more open mind

'One for all' to a fault

I'm the anti John Galt

I'm progressive, inclusive and kind

I believe in "United We Stand"

And in sharing the fat of the land

So you'd think i would know

How to go with the flow

When we're not eye to eye; glove in hand

Take this fellow from work, he's a peer

Though he's charitable and sincere

I won't give to his cause

As it still gives me pause

When he labels all gay people 'queer'

And the candidate I should endorse

She's a socialist stalwart, of course

Can't rely on my vote

Cuz I read in a quote

Of her catholic views on divorce

There's my cousin whose fighting pollution

He's requested a small contribution

And I'd lend him a hand 

If he'd alter his stand

On the Middle East two state solution

My objections to some seem obscure

And at times even I can't be sure 

But out here on the left

We're exceedingly deft

At deciding whose tainted or pure 

If you think that my views are extreme

They're not nearly unique as they seem

Our ideals are intact

And we're ready to act

We just need to awake from the dream

That our differences all melt away

And we join hands together and sway

Cuz we know in our heart

We were meant to be part

Of the grand resurrection of Che

The Witnesses

I told this story, a couple of years ago, when I was teaching an Introduction to Computing course. My intent was to demonstrate the pitfalls of multi-tasking. It also, sort of, has a little fun at the expense of Jehovah's Witnesses.  How was I to know that my class included half a dozen members of the local Kingdom Hall. I was a little embarrassed, but they were good sports about it. Here it is, translated into verse form.

Kith and Kin here’s a day in the life

Of an overwrought mother and wife

Though the tale I will mete

In a regular beat

Mine’s a moral where chaos is rife

I awoke; it was seven-fifteen

Tried to dress but no undies were clean

So, I stripped to the buff

Gathered clothes in a huff

Trundled down to the washing machine

As a mother I’ve learned how to cope

And I seldom will snivel, or mope

So I took it in stride

(Okay, maybe I sighed)

When I found we were fresh out of soap

Then I heard the most god-awful noise

Like the crashing of dishes and toys

I went running upstairs

Midst the yelling and glares

Of my ten year old twin little boys

I asked “Why must you act like baboons?”

As I set out the bowls and the spoons

Then the hubby yelled “Dear,

What’s that racket I hear?”

All this week he was on afternoons

To the bedroom I flew “Hon, don’t fuss”

“It’s not something we need to discuss”

I said “Kids! Now I’m mad

You just woke up your dad”

But they’d already left for the bus

So I started to work at the sink

Plan my day, take a moment to think

When the telephone rang

To the office I sprang

On the line it was MasterCard Inc.

Well, those guys make me green at the gills

So I sat down to work on the bills

But then something occurred

It was something I heard

 From the kitchen; it gave me the chills

See, the sink overflowed on the floor

Then a ding-dong; who’s that at the door

As I shut of the tap

I was thinking “Oh crap”

What fresh hell could this day have in store

On the stoop were those people you dread

Saving souls for the rapture ahead

When I heard them both say

“How ya doin’ today”

I composed myself first, then I said

“The laundry’s been washed without soap

With my credit card debt I can’t cope

I’ve got more than a hunch

That my kids have no lunch

And I’ve flooded the house, like a dope

But if that’s not enough I’ll attest

That the last has been saved for the best

For I just realized

Cuz you seem so surprised
That I haven’t found time to get dressed!”

Miscarriage of Justice

It's bizarre that Purvi Patel could be charged with both feticide and neglect of a dependent. It's discouraging that a jury would find her guilty of both. And, its frightening that she has been sentenced to 20 years for having a miscarriage.

Purvi’s jury should make us all squirm

Their disdain so unfeeling and firm

All so righteous and pure

Consecratedly sure

That their daughters will carry to term

Obstinate Grit

I was sixteen; I’d dropped out of school

Just an immature know-it-all fool

Still, I showed up each day

Earning minimum pay

To a job where I worked like a mule

The foreman was from the Ukraine

So there’s something I need to explain

The man’s English was broke

So whenever he spoke

He would need to repeat it again

Then, one day I’m unloading a van

And it’s going according to plan

Till I look at the boss

And he seems really cross

He says “Carry as much as you can”

So I set down my load on the floor

Headed back where I picked up some more

But now under the strain

I’m bent over in pain

And the sweat’s really starting to pour

Of the job I’m no longer a fan

But, I want to behave like a man

Then the boss happens by

When he catches my eye

He says “Carry as much as you can”

Now, at this point I have to admit

I was tempted to tell him “I quit!”

But I didn’t explode

I just increased the load

Trudging onward with obstinate grit

When I made my way back to the van

There’s the boss and his lecture began

“For the third time today

You no hear what I say
ONLY carry as much as you can!”

The Libertarian

This multi-verse limerick was inspired by a recent online 'exchange' over the growing number of U.S. states that are implementing so-called 'Right to Work' legislation. The intent is not to try to sway anyone's opinion about Right to Work or any of the other libertarian agenda items. Rather, it's intended to show that there's very little use debating these issues with someone driven by ideology and not conscience.

He’s a ‘nothing or all’ kind of guy

Gather ‘round and I’ll tell you all why

With each subject he checks

If it seems too complex

Understanding, he won’t even try

Every issue is treated the same

In his cold libertarian game

When he says “Let’s be free”

He means “Me! Me! Me! Me!”

And this selfishness authors his shame

If he thinks there’s a smidgeon of waste

He will act with remarkable haste

Weed it out branch and root

In a headlong pursuit

To have safety net programs erased

If a union appears to have power

He will over-react and he’ll glower

He’ll remove labor rights

Earned through decades of fights

Till the middle class plight becomes dour

  

Then there’s voter ID, oh my god!

Even though there’s no actual fraud

When restricting the vote

He can’t help but connote

His concern is a racist façade

Any governance stirs up his wrath

Despite science, good conscience or math

His approach, you can see

Will consistently be
Throw the baby away with the bath

Je ne suis pas Charlie

In the aftermath of the Paris terrorist attacks, I ‘liked’ a Facebook infographic that said “Je Suis Charlie”.  I now regret my impulsive action. The attack was abhorrent and I wanted to show my support for free speech.  But, I don’t identify with Charlie Hebdo any more than I identify with Fox News or the infamous Nazi march in Skokie.

Je suis Charlie Hebdo? I think not

Je suis more like the cop that got shot

Charlie’s satire was crude

Both offensive and rude

Ahmed died for their right to write rot

#JeSuisAhmed

Pride Goeth Before Destruction, and a Haughty Spirit Before a Fall

I've started reading Micheal Harris's wonderful book "Party of One". Here's my first reflection:

During Canada’s anachronistically named ‘Speech to the Throne’ on June 3, 2011, a young senate page rose in an act of civil disobedience. Brigette DePape stood up, quietly holding a makeshift sign that read “Stop Harper”. All of institutional Canada short-sightedly criticized her for disrespecting the Canadian system of government.

In the three and a half years since then, Stephen Harper’s scandals have made a mockery of the senate. He flips the bird to opposition parties at every opportunity. He’s muzzled his own back benchers and members of cabinet. As Prime Minister, he’s openly attacked the Supreme Court. He neutered Elections Canada after his party was convicted of election fraud. And, last but not least, Harper’s omnibus approach to legislation bypasses the basic principles of our parliamentary democracy.

It must be one of the greatest ironies in Canadian history that the people who criticized Brigette for her mis-behaviour have been so humiliatingly ‘bitch-slapped’ by the very subject of her warning.  With all that in mind, here's my latest limerick:

Harper’s hubris continues to grow

With contempt for us from the word ‘go’

And to stop being sacked

He relies on the fact

That we’re all so surprisingly slow

What's for Lunch?

This week, the US congress passed the devastating CRomnibus spending bill. This bill guts the Dodd-Frank financial regulations put in place to protect us from Wall Street's otherwise unchecked greed. It also lifts campaign contribution limits, allowing for even more corporate influence during elections. The bill weakens the EPA and effectively cancels the pro-pot initiative recently passed in Washington DC. Democrats voting for the CRomnibus defended their actions saying things would be worse if they delayed because the Republicans will soon control the senate.

A Democrat strategist said

"Though this CRomnibus bill we all dread

Wihen your choice is, to wit

Eat a sandwich of shit

Always go for the one with more bread"

But the logic he used is a trap

A canard that we all need to scrap

If you're living in fright 

Of a fight with the right

Then you'll always eat one percent crap

Paying it Forward

I heard this shaggy dog story a few years ago. At that time, it was attributed to Jimmy Pattison, a notorious Canadian one-percenter. I don't know if that part is true. The rest, of course is.

Years ago I was down on my luck

Out of work, I would sleep in my truck

And I often would curse

“Things can’t get any worse!”

‘Til the sole of my shoe came unstuck

When I walked it went “Flippity-Flop”

So I stopped at the shoe repair shop

But the cobbler was brash

And he said “Without cash

I suggest that you skip and you hop”

It was later that day, I recall

On my way to the hiring hall

My old shoe caught a crack

And I fell on my back

There I sat and I started to bawl

But a limo pulled up in the street

A tycoon helped me get to my feet

Then he pulled out a roll

That could choke any foal

Rubber banded to keep it all neat

He said “Son, I was once just like you,

And this might be the least I can do”

He then peeled off the band

Pressed it into my hand

Saying “This ought to bind up your shoe”

It is all men

In case you've been living under a rock for the past week, here is a link to a video titled "10 Hours Walking in New York City as a Woman". It's gone viral, as the say. The video documents the numerous catcalls and other forms of sexual harassment endured by a woman, just walking around town.

Disappointingly, but not surprising, the video generated a lot of controversy. "Most of these guys are just being nice." "It's racist! the white guys were edited out" "It's all in fun" and  "Boys will be boys". This is not to mention the hateful and ignorant comments posted by men who actually took offense at being called out for their sexist behavior.

I want to make the point right now that the responsibility for this anti-social behavior rests with all men. Not just men of color or white men or rich men or poor men or young men or old men; and it doesn't rest with women. The responsibility to treat women with respect lies with all men.

If you call after women on the street; stop it, you're not flirting and it's not harmless. If, while driving through town, your friends wolf whistle out the window; call them on it. They're acting like bullies. Most telling of all, if you witness street harassment and you're afraid to intervene, think about why. The purpose of catcalling is to intimidate. If you're intimidated, put yourself in her shoes. Most important of all; if you have a son. Teach him to treat women with respect. This is your responsibility.

There is no need to over intellectualize this discussion. I've seen too many online debates about this. "Is it inherent in our capitalist society", "Is it rooted in a particular culture", "Do we have to solve some other social problem before we can solve this one". All these discussions just detract from the point. Men are behaving badly and they should stop.

Here's a limerick that boils the issue down to its essence.

Out in midtown or up in the hood

Every "Baby, you're sure looking good"

Each "Hey Sweetie" and "Ciao"

Means "I'd fuck you right now"

Is there something I've misunderstood?

What Would McKenzie King do?

First, let me say that I am saddened and dismayed by the cowardly murders of Canadian soldiers this past week. Terrorism of any kind is abhorrent. The fact that both perpetrators had been previously identified as potential security threats is cause for concern. Fighting a war on two fronts is a challenge; especially if we have no clear goal or strategy.  Other than saying that we won’t be intimidated, Stephen Harper appears to be clueless about what to do next. So, let me put this little bug in his ear.

Here’s a stratagem we might explore

If there’s Muslims at home we abhor

We could make them wear stamps

Or intern them in camps
Not forever …  just while we’re at war

It's Not Really News

A recent fact checking study concluded that every other statement made on FOX news, by a host or a guest, is flat out false. Even worse, only 8% of the statements checked could be considered completely true.

With that in mind, I offer this limerick:

Where there's smoke must we always have fires

And do hobbits live only in shires

I remember from school

There are rends to each rule

So, all Hannitys might not be liars

The full story, on Addicting Info, can be read here:

http://www.addictinginfo.org/2014/07/09/analysis-over-half-of-all-statements-made-on-fox-news-are-false/

A Metaphor of Sorts

Canadian provinces have jurisdiction over policing and the administration of justice. BC has the responsibility of funding the police, and setting police priorities.

All police in BC are under the authority of the Police Act, an act of the BC Legislature. This includes both RCMP and municipal police.

Sensible BC proposes an amendment to the Police Act, instructing police not to spend any time, money or resources on cases of simple possession of cannabis.

A metaphor’s used quite a lot

As a proxy for something it’s not

Like the time long ago

When a fellow I know

Got arrested for smoking some … radishes

Many people smoke radish, or kale

Although some say they didn’t inhale

But it’s really no joke

When for one little toke

On a radish you wind up in jail

Wrapping up, I’ll try not to be crass

To the cops though, “Alack and alas,

Cuz the last time I checked

You should serve and protect

So do THAT and get off of my … vegetable patch”

For more information, go to http://sensiblebc.ca/

Sarah, True to Form

I'm breaking a promise I made to myself. Based on the faint hope that if everyone ignored her, she might just go away, I swore I wouldn't write about Sarah Palin anymore. But, she won't go away and I can't help relapsing. Sarah now hosts an online subscription channel and here's what she posted in response to a recent speech by Elizabeth Warren.

“We believe”? Wait, I thought fast food joints…huh. Don’t you guys think that they’re like of the Devil or somethin’ I was. Liberals, you want to send those evil employees who would dare work at a fast food joint then ya just don’t believe in, thought you wanted to, I dunno, send them to Purgatory or somethin’ so they all go VEGAN and, uh, wages and picket lines I dunno they’re not often discussed in Purgatory, are they? I dunno why are you even worried about fast food wages because…Well, we believe an America where minimum wage jobs they’re not lifetime gigs they’re stepping stone.”

Her tongue get’s entwined in a knot

As though demons, her mind, have besot

She on principle can’t

Disengarble her rant

Holding grammar a government plot

See the full story, including video, at Salon.com

Cheap and Petty

There's not much to say about this limerick. A couple of online images caught my eye and I mashed them together.

Mr Harper, now please don’t get mad

If I pick on you more than a tad

I’ll concede you take care

Of your Lego like hair

But at photo-bombs, really, you’re sad

In case you're interested, here's the second image:

DYAC

Auto correct errors are now accepted as part of modern communication. Fat fingers and tiny keys can lead to hilarious and sometimes awkward exchanges. Here’s one fictional example. You can tell it’s fictional, because neither of my daughters would use the word ‘rad’.

The texts from my daughter are rife

With ways auto-correct causes strife

Once she typed in “Dear Dad,

You’re so totally rad!”

But it came out “You’ve ruined my Life #@!”

Can I Say Bullshit Here?

Did you know that 97% of scientists are in agreement that human activity is contributing to global warming? In light of that scientific consensus, it’s difficult not to ridicule the climate change deniers in Washington (and Ottawa). Their latest subterfuge is to claim an inability to form an opinion due to their lack of scientific credentials. Here’s Speaker of the House John Boehner doing just that: "Boehner on Climate Change" and here’s my polimerick response:

When climate deniers admit

They’re not experts in science, to wit

Johnny Boehner avows

We can blame it on cows

What they mean is they don’t give a shit.

Lack of Wills and Immigration Pills

Immigration reform in the United States is becoming a bigger problem with each passing month. Refugees from several troubled Latin American countries are crossing the border, any way they can. Meanwhile, the Republican congress refuses to discuss the bipartisan immigration bill proposed by the senate about a year ago. One of their bizarre arguments for not debating the legislation is that the border should be secure before addressing the issue.

Immigration reform is a goal

But a recent Republican poll

Said "We know that we're ill,

But we won't take a pill

'Till our symptoms are under control"

Good Guys With Guns

If you haven't been keeping up, Target Stores finally and 'respectfully' have asked gun owners not to bring their weapons shopping. This is the latest chapter in a very heated debate and it got me thinking about the NRA's position on 'gun free zones' and their post Sandy Hook speech. That's the one in which Wayne LaPierre said the only defense against a bad guy with a gun, was a good guy with a gun.

On the blackboard, we've written in chalk

The advice from an NRA talk

And since Johnny hit Sloan

In the head, with a stone

Ev'ry kid in the class has a rock