A woman was planning to truck

A woman was planning to truck

From New York up to Muckalucktuk

So, it's no surprise, eh

That she'd buy on the way

Some poutine, smokes, a toque, and a puck

Check out Mad Kane's weekly limerick contest 

http://www.madkane.com/humor_blog/2013/10/27/limerick-truck-limerick-off-monday/

The Snake

Entered into Mad Kane's weekly limerick contest
http://www.madkane.com/humor_blog/2013/10/06/limerick-snake-limerick-off-monday/

Check it out!

The Snake

by Rick Lime

“We all hate the Gov” hissed the snake

Vote for me, and it back, I will take

But the snake, who was sly

Had in fact, told a lie

His intent was, this country, to break!

Like a wolf in sheep’s clothing, the snake

Said “Your freedom’s the thing that’s at stake”

While his plan, which is real

Is your freedom, to steal

Tread upon in his Tea Party’s wake

So, beware the forked tongue of the snake

Randall Paul and Ted Cruz for him spake

They grandstand, filibust,

Neither man should you trust

To be gullible is our mistake

David Koch is the name of the snake

There’s a hunger he never will slake

And he’ll make us all bleed

For his corporate greed.

Head him not, or your future forsake!

Wondered Awe

Tomorrow is bad poetry day! With that in mind, Fred Bortz over at SciFact Central posted a challenge. He asked us to write a science poem (not necessarily a good one). In addition, he said we'd get extra credit if we wrote a sonnet.

I'm not sure I've ever read a sonnet before, much less written one. But not being one to shy from a challenge easily. Here goes. With apologies to Murray Gell-Mann and particle physicists everywhere, James Joyce, Willy the Shake, David Deutsch, and anyone else, living or dead that might take offense.

Wondered Awe

a sonnet by Rick Lime

Some physicists have seen the face of god

Now which upon the other puts a charm

It’s strange beyond the point of being odd

And who am I to color an alarm

Yet here’s the spin “Three quarks for Muster Mark!”

The flavor of his toast is justly earned

“The rummest rooster flopped from Noah’s ark”

The charge be us, all glad in what we learned

But fabric from our world is like a veil

In heaven and on earth lie many things

Just out of reach that make our knowledge pale

And hubris hides what’s waiting in the wings

So, truth be told they know not what they saw
While onward let us look in wondered awe

Vindicated

The murder of Trayvon Martin and the acquittal of George Zimmerman should serve as a slap in the face to all people of conscience. Racism is a cancer in America.

Vindicated

by Rick Lime

Who’ll we kill next

To show you uppity folks we're still the boss

I see your black president and raise you one, piss in his pants, Glock wielding, son of the south

Don’t you stand on my ground

Wad up your worthless VRA and shove it

This is my country

I make the rules

And I’m tired

Tired of your rap, your hoodies, and your god damned affirmative action

I’m tired of your poverty

And I’m tired

Of you

Blaming me

You want what I got?

Well, you can’t have it.

Serve me my burger

And yes Trayvon, I do want fries with that

Clean my room, rake my lawn

And then, go away

Go home to your rats in the Corn Flakes tenement

With your dead president hanging on the wall

Go home to your ‘pappa’s in jail’ apartment

Go home and keep out of my sight

Tonight

Listen up and listen good

In my country

Might does make right

And it’s not my fault
That you're not white

Chaste Chicks

The grand kids wanted to hear a story, so I told them this one ...

Chaste Chicks

by Rick Lime

Gather round if you’ve nothing to do

I’ve a story that’s stranger than true

It’s a shaggy dog tale

Guaranteed not to fail

With a moral on which you can chew

Years ago we were driving around

From the rear I could hear an odd sound

So, I slowed down a crack

And I looked out the back

What comes next will amaze and astound

In the rear-view I stared in the face

Of a chicken who quickened her pace

When she opened her stride

And came up along side

I could tell that she wanted a race

Then she pulled out in front. What a bird!

Still, I know what you think “How absurd!”

You may scoff if you must

But we’ere left in the dust

And I floored it, I give you my word.

Up ahead, we could see where she turned

And some answers I thought we had earned

So I stopped and appealed 

To a man in his field

As I spoke to him, here’s what we learned

The farm was called “Betty & Greg’s”

They raised chickens from GMO eggs

When I blurted, aghast,

“They’re incredibly fast”

He responded “They all have three legs!”

“That explains it”, I heard myself say

I was still somewhat puzzled, but hey,

After what he just said

I would ask him instead

Why they chose to raise chickens that way

“There’s the boy and his mother” says he

“Right away, if you count it, we’re three”

He went on with a snort

“That’s a chicken leg short

‘Cuz we all want a drumstick, you see?”

What I asked then was “How did they taste

On a dinner plate, gravied and graced”

He replied, “I regret,

We’ve not caught any yet

Though there’s many a chick whose been chased.”

The Sad and Scary Death of Trayvon Martin

With all my heart I hope I'm wrong about the outcome of the George Zimmerman trial. But, even if I am, Florida's Stand Your Ground and Concealed Carry laws constitute a recipe for disaster.

The Sad and Scary Death of Trayvon Martin

by Rick Lime

In the past in the south you’d be lynched

By the cops or the Klan if you ‘ere pinched

In the sun shiny state

From the fears and the hate

It appears that they’ve not even inched

Trayvon Martin was killed for the crime

“Bein’ black in the wrong place and time”

In the rain in the dark

In a closed gated park

The young boy was shot down in his prime

Of the white man who shot the boy dead

And his family, a lot has been said

They’ve a good catholic home

On their lawn is a gnome

But for black folk there’s fear and there’s dread

When the man and the boy met that night

Some believe they got into a fight

Others say Tray was shot

When he ran and was caught

But the diff’rence it makes will be slight

‘Cuz, the sad fact we don’t want to see

Is the statute, the law, the decree

“Stand Your Ground” when afraid

Could’ve been tailor made

And the jury will have to agree

So, we’d best hold this simple truth dear

In our ignorance, crippling and sheer

That the guns that we own

Leave us scared and alone

And we can’t kill our way out of fear

Harper's Canada

The disastrous polices of the Harper government are destroying Canada's economy, culture, democracy, and environment. Imperial Oil and other multinationals quietly took control of this country and the Conservatives in Ottawa are now just their hand picked board of directors.

Harper's Canada

by Rick Lime

There was a young man from Tarawna

He slept with the boys at Exxon a'

‘N alliance ensued

Between slimy an’ crude

Now O’ Canada may be a gonna'

Could be Worse

The week after I posted "Too Snarky" in the local paper, the mayor called me out in print for picking on him. Each week since then the paper has been filled with one letter after another complaining about how "Snarky" the mayor really is. I fear I have opened the floodgates on a minor revolt...If you don't know about Rob Ford, he's the wacked mayor of Toronto, he's worth a google ...

Could be Worse

by Rick Lime

Well, our mayor is still in hot water

Speaks of people less kind than he oughter

But let’s all thank the lord

That he isn’t Rob Ford

T’ronto’s mayor is really a rotter

Gone Fishin'

Gone Fishin'

by Rick Lime

Every summer we make the mistake

Having In-laws descend on their break

She won’t let me forbid

Little Sis and her kid

So I’ll spend lots of time at the lake

No Mad Gophers

There was a little back and forth in the letter to the editor section of the local paper. Seems one neighbor was upset with another neighbor because of a gopher problem. Neighbor one felt that neighbor two wasn't doing enough to stop the "nomadic gophers" from crossing the property line. Much posturing was done and some threats were uttered...

No Mad Gophers

Gopher war or a neighborhood spat

Go to court or just sit down and chat

It’s a mole hill that’s grown

Should we call in a drone
Or could somebody just get a cat

Limericks by the Pound

Limericks by the Pound

by Rick Lime

Entries in Madeleine Kane's weekly limerick-off contest

In a penny’s worth, in for a pound

Is a saying that’s meant to confound

Light years Don’t measure time

Someone’s dropping a dime

And a speaker’s for musical sound?

---

They gave the poor headboard a pound

And the mattress collapsed to the ground

Though they practiced safe sex

On the porch and the decks

In the bathtub they both nearly drowned

---

The Mark, Yen or Buck, and the Pound

Make a clinkety-clankety sound

Joel Grey and Minnelli

On film and the telly

Can still make the world go around

---

Pick a penny and squander a pound

In a puddle a fool can be drowned

Aren’t these platitude’s nice

Guess they’ll do in a thrice

But for bawdy lims we’re more renowned

---

A potato weighs all of a pound

When it’s harvested out of the ground

Made of starch and some ash

And before it, you mash

It’s three quarter parts water they’ve found

But this spud will weigh less than a pound

If dehydrated into a mound

That’s half water, half powder

When using for chowder

Or fritters is usu’lly frowned

So now, how many parts of a pound

(And the answer will likely astound)

Does the dried up spud weigh?

If it’s too soon to say,

Is your crossword puz pencil around?

---

On his laptop his head he would pound

As he tried to write something profound

And the words that were wrote

By the keyboard he smote

Made no sense but the meter was sound

---

I wish she would put on a pound 

Some parts of her ought to be round 

But she’s built like a rake

And I’m scared she would break

If out with her I’d make, so I’m browned

---

From the shindig the music would pound

Every time that the jug went around

And the neighbors were pissed

At the ‘do’ that they missed

But not nearly as much as the hound

---

Through Roget’s thesaurus he’ll pound

With hopes that a word can be found

But the squeak of the door hinge

They’d painted bright orange

Made limerick boy come unwound

What Rhymes with Escherichia?

What Rhymes with Escherichia?
by Rick Lime

You may know I was sick for a while

Seems E.coli encumbers your style

But that’s over and done

I’ve already begun
To amuse, entertain, and beguile

You Again?

In my small town, the AG is the grocery store. And, it's a few blocks down the main drag from the post office.

You Again?

by Rick Lime

What I like about this town the most

It’s more friendly than ones down the coast

Folks’ll ask you “What’s new?”

In th’ AG checkout queue

Though you just spoke while fetching the post

A Fork in the Road

C

atherine and Heathcliff were Sunday driving in the country. They were looking for a secluded lake they had been told about. As their vehicle crested a short hill, they came to a fork in the road. Catherine stopped the car. “Do you remember,” she asked Heathcliff, “If we were told to go left or right at this fork?”

Heathcliff couldn’t remember the directions. As he thought back, his mind wandered, and he came up with another logic puzzle.

“Cath”, he began. “Imagine there were a couple of guides here and they could give us directions.  Now, suppose one of them always told the truth, but the other one will always told a lie. You can assume that each guide knows whether the other is a liar or a truth teller.”“Finally”, he continued. “Let’s also assume that both guides know which road leads to the lake.

“The puzzle Cath”, he finished, “is to ask a single question of one of the guides and then determine which road to take.

_____________________________

Catherine knew Heathcliff could always distract her like this. She wanted to continue driving, and she was considering flipping a coin to decide which road to take. But, she was a little intrigued by Heathcliff’s puzzle.

She couldn’t just point down a road and ask the first guide “Is this the road to the lake?” There was only a fifty-fifty chance the guide she chose would be the truth teller. So, that approach would be wrong as often as it was right. She wondered if there was a question that each guide would answer the same way. How, she wondered, would they answer the question “Are you a liar?” upon reflection, Catherine realized that both guides would say “No”. She also realized that both guides would say “Yes”, if she asked “Is the other guide a liar?”

Catherine felt that she was onto something, but she wasn’t sure how to proceed. She wondered, “What if I ask them something that I know is true?” “Does 2 plus 2 equal 4?” “That would identify the truth teller,” she reasoned, “But, I only have one question. What if I asked, “Would the other guide tell me that 2 plus 2 equals 4”?  Both guides would answer “No”.  Then, in a flash of inspiration, Catherine had solved the puzzle.

“Ok Heath”, I’ve got it, Catherine said. “I’d ask one guide if the other guide would tell me that the left fork led to the lake.” If the answer was “Yes”, I’d take the right fork and if the answer was “No”, then I’d take the left road.”

“Now” she asked, “Tell me the truth. Which way should we go?”

A gal was annoyed by a hum

A gal was annoyed by a hum

by Rick Lime

Entries in Madeleine Kane's weekly limerick-off contest

A gal was annoyed by a hum

It was me, but I tried to play dumb

When she asked “was that you

On the stupid kazoo?”

I said “No I’ve been beating my …um…”

He’s so humble he won’t even hum

Though he bumbles he isn’t a bum

He’s become truly shy

Someone cute’s caught his eye

And she mumbles the same as his mum

Unbidden my head starts to hum

Amid meter and rhyme I succumb

And I cannot explain

Though I think that it’s plain

There are times when my muse likes to slum

My TV’s developed a hum

And my banjo will no longer strum

All ‘cuz when I watched Hannity

I lost my sanity

Good thing I don’t own a gum

Squatting carpenters constantly hum

Not aware that they’re showing their bum

So good poet or hack

Can’t but help take a crack

At some cheeky verse, warped more than plumb

Now I think we’re beginning to hum

Some girls giggled and wrote the word ‘bum’

I can see the allure

‘Cuz we’re not that mature

Apropos for the lim-off alum

A fellow would haw then he’d hum

Then he’d curse at the IRS scum

When he adds up his tax

It’s deductions he lacks

He owes more than the parts of his sum

The idol can whistle and hum

But his talent’s no better than some

Still he gets their awards

‘Cuz he’s learned all three chords

So an overnight hit he’s become

The woodwinds were starting to hum

The maestro looked typically glum

Then as he took the stage

He went into a rage

As he waved his baton to and from

A gal was annoyed by a hum

And I don’t want to say she was dumb

But by turning the switch

She could deal with her itch

Much more quietly using her thumb

Too Snarky

Too Snarky

by Rick Lime

Mr Mayor, can I call you Bill

Here's some friendly advice, if you will

In some columns you've writ

You seem piqued in a fit

An' we'd mark your words more if you'd chill

Abstainer-Complainer

Abstainer-Complainer

by Rick Lime

There once was a mayor of note

Whose opinions I've no room to quote

But his insular views

Make me ponder and muse

"Come election time, why don't I vote?"

Counterfeit Coins

C

atherine and Heathcliff were spending a quiet evening at home. Catherine was absorbed in a detective novel and Heathcliff was thumbing his way through a check-out stand magazine.

“Cath,” Heathcliff said, interrupting her reading. “Why don’t you put your book down for a minute? I’ve just solved a puzzle and I’d like to share it with you.” Heathcliff paused while Catherine dog-eared the paperback. “Let me read you the ‘Back Page Puzzler’ from this magazine.”He continued, “It says, imagine you have nine coins. One is slightly heavier than the others. Can you identify the heavy coin, using a two pan balance scale only twice?”

Heathcliff smiled with pride as he explained his solution, “For the first weighing,” he said, “I thought I would put four coins in each pan, leaving one on the table.  But, no matter how I tried, I couldn’t solve it that way.” “So,” He continued, “I decided to put three coins in each pan and leave the remaining three coins on the table. That way, after the first weighing I’d know which group of three contained the heavy coin. Once I knew that, I could put one coin in each pan and leave one on the table. If the scale balanced,” he concluded, “The heavy coin would be on the table. Otherwise, it would be in the lower pan.

“That’s great Heath,” Catherine said, reaching for her novel. “Now, can I get back to my mystery?” “Not just yet Cath,” Heathcliff replied with a grin. “Now, I’ve got a puzzle for you”

Catherine listened as Heathcliff began. “The puzzle I solved was just a warm up for this one” Heathcliff continued. “This time, you have 12 coins. One is counterfeit. It’s either slightly heavier or slightly lighter, than the rest. The challenge is to identify the odd coin using the same kind of two pan balance scale no more than three times.” “Remember,” Heathcliff coached her, “In this puzzle, you don’t know if the odd coin is heavier or lighter than the others.”

Catherine set her book aside and considered Heathcliff’s puzzle. She could already sense this was going to be difficult.

Thinking back to Heathcliff’s earlier puzzle, she decided to begin with 3 even groups of coins. Catherine imagined putting four coins in one pan of the scale, four in the other pan, and the remaining four coins on the table. If the scale balanced, the odd coin would be among those on the table. She paused, “This would be easier if I knew whether the odd coin was heavy or light”. “In that case,” she thought, “I would just put two coins in each pan. Then I’d know which group of two contained the odd coin. Finally, I would weigh those two coins against each other”. “Unfortunately,” she reminded herself, “I don’t know if the coin I’m looking for is heavy or light.”

Catherine thought back to the previous puzzle, “Was there anything she could learn from it,” she wondered. “Well,” she thought, “Heathcliff was able to find an odd coin in a group of three, in one weighing.” “But,” she reflected, “He knew the odd coin was heavy.”  Catherine paused in thought for a moment. Then she got an idea.

“If the scale balanced after the first weighing, the odd coin would be in the group of four coins on the table. After clearing the scale, she would put two of the suspect coins in the pan on one side of the scale and another one of them in the pan on the other side.   Finally, she would add one of the coins she knew was genuine to the second pan.”

“Now,” she thought. If the scale balances the bad coin will be the one I left on the table. And if it doesn’t balance,” she went on, “I still have one weighing to find it.” “Let’s imagine the lower pan of the scale contains the two coins from my group of four suspects” “I’ll know that either one of those coins is heavy or the single suspect coin in the other pan is light”. “I can clear the scale and weigh the two coins from the lower pan against each other. If the scale balances, the odd coin is the light one I took off the scale. If the scale doesn’t balance, the odd coin is in the lower pan.

“Well,” thought Catherine. “That’s reassuring. If the scale balances after the first weighing, I know how to find the counterfeit coin” “But,” She wondered. “What if the scale doesn’t balance?”

Catherine pictured the unbalanced scale. She envisioned four coins in the lower pan and four coins in the upper pan. She wondered, “What would happen if I removed two coins from each pan?” After considering this for a moment, Catherine could see that whether the scale balanced or not, she would be left trying to find the odd coin out of a group of four coins with only one use of the scale remaining. She was pretty sure that was impossible.

“This is a tough puzzle,” Catherine muttered. “I thought it might be.” Heathcliff responded.

Catherine took stock. There were eight suspect coins after the first weighing. She realized the second weighing would have to reduce that number down to three.  To start, she decided to remove three coins from the lower pan. If the scale ended up balancing after the second weighing, she’d be able to find the heavy coin in that group. To replace those three coins, she would put three coins from the table into the lower pan. She did some calculating “Everything would be fine if the scale changed orientation after the second weighing.”  But she realized there would still be too many suspect coins if the same pan was low.  In that case, not only would there be the one remaining coin suspected of being heavy in the low pan. But, there would also be four coins suspected of being light in the higher pan.

Catherine mentally swapped one of the good coins she had put in the lower pan with a suspect coin from the higher pan. However, she quickly realized she would still have four suspect coins, if the scale didn’t change orientation after the second weighing. So, she repeated the procedure and swapped anther coin. This left two good coins and two coins suspected of being light in one pan. The other pan contained one good coin, one coin suspected of being heavy, and two coins suspected of being light.

Catherine slowly grinned. The puzzle was solved. If the scale’s orientation remained unchanged after the second weighing, there would be one coin suspected of being heavy and two coins suspected of being light. She could use the scale a third time to weigh the two coins suspected of being light against each other. This would identify the bad coin.

If the pans reversed orientation, there would be two coins suspected of being light. Finding the light one would be easy. Finally, if the scale balanced, she would know that one of the three coins she removed after the first weighing was heavy. She could find that one easy enough as well.

“I solved your puzzle Heath,” Catherine announced. “You are amazing, Cath!” Heathcliff said, standing up from his chair. “Why don’t I leave you alone for a while now?”

The Counterfeit Coin

The Counterfeit Coin
by Rick Lime

So this week when the rhyme word is hum

And I’ve o’er used ‘cum’,  ‘dum’, ‘thumb’, and ‘bum’

A conundrum I’ll pose

Will you solve it, who knows?

I suspect though, it’s too tough for some

Now the gears in my head start to hum

As the clues for this puzzle forth come

You’ve got 12 coins of gold

But there’s one that is old

It’s weight’s off from the rest, by a crumb

You’ve a scale (not of music to hum)

It’s two pans on a chain, and it’s plumb

With this scale weigh the gold

‘Till at last you behold

The coin others are different from

If at this point you’re all thinking hummm ….

Here’s a clue to begin, don’t be glum

Place some coins in each pan

If they balance you can

Safely say that it’s not in that scrum

Since you now see this isn’t ho-hum

One more thing, please don’t think I’m a bum

The odd coin may be light

Or just overweight, slight

And three weighing’s the goal, good luck chum

visit Madeleine Kane's weekly limerick-off contest

Be There

Be There

by Rick Lime

Do you know how the candidates rate?

You’ve got little or no time to wait

On May 3rd there’s a meeting

Where they’ll be competing

Let’s all of us fish or cut bait

Growing Pains

Growing Pains

by Rick Lime

How fast should our little town grow?

Are the mayor's plans all apropos?

If we build it they'll come

is the feeling of some

but for others like me, we don't know

Another Burden

Both sides of the gun control debate in the US are now talking about race...sort of.

Another Burden
by Rick Lime

Into gun control Uncle Sam delves
As a bigger blight falls from his shelves
“This burden’s not fair
It seems too much to bear
 When they’re doing it all to themselves”

Homesick

Just to provide a little context, the annual Barriere Fall Fair & Rodeo is an event not to be missed :-)

Homesick

by Rick Lime

Up in camp or gone just down the coast

As I wander from pillar to post

'Tween my folks and the Fair

And the girl with red hair

It's the potholes that I miss the most

A woman was planning a flight

A woman was planning a flight

by Rick Lime

Check out Mad Kane's weekly Limeric-Off

http://www.madkane.com/humor_blog/2013/03/03/limerick-flight-limerick-off-monday/

Hosts of angels, wings beating in flight

Held celestial bodies just right

Physics pulled back the curtain

But I'm still uncertain

How 'quantums' can shed any light

A fellow was planning a flight

But began with bordellos that night

In between lust and haste

The man's pants were misplaced

So they grounded the Casanovite

Before his career'd taken flight

Yogi Berra quotes all sounded trite

Much later however

They sounded more clever

Like "Errors I made can't be right"

First she gasped then she took off in flight

In the morning, when first she caught sight

Of his thing, oh so ugly

With which she had smugly

Gone humpety bump in the night

Ulysses was planning a flight

From the Siren's bay late in the night

He would face the high sea

In his bid to be free

'Cuz, his bark was much worse in their bight

A couple was planning a flight

With the mile high club in their sight

But the john was so small

That he leaned 'gainst the wall

And the door handle got a delight

A fellow was planning a flight

'Cuz the DA intends to indict

So he'll snorkel and scuba

Lay low in Aruba

And old Beach Boys lyrics recite

Dear SCOTUS

It outrageous how desperate the republicans are to disenfranchise blacks and other minorities.

Dear SCOTUS
by Rick Lime

Dare I say Judge Scalia, you dope
Though the Sovereign States pine and mope
Leave the voting rights act
Ratified and intact
And in fact, step aside, like the Pope

This related verse was inspired by one of those troll instigated facebook flame wars.

Democracy’s under attack

First they came for the poor and the black

Voter fraud’s a red herring

Scalia is wearing

The robes of a corporate hack

An Allegory

Some people are upset because the economy is broken and governments are dysfunctional. Other people spend their time intentionally disrupting the economy and subverting democracy.

An Allegory
by Rick Lime

Henny Penny’s completely seduced
Foxy Loxy’s in charge of the roost
And the question he begs
“Who’s been stealing the eggs?”
Penny ponders, confused and obtused

Politically Incorrect

Mr. Tom Fletcher is a very conservative journalist for Blackpool press and a regular contributor to the Barriere Star journal.

Politically Incorrect

by Rick Lime

I'd like to observe, if I might

While politely declining to fight

Given differing views

In the Barriere News

Mr Fletcher's are usually 'right'

Cold deadly hands

Cold deadly hands

by Rick Lime

Bearing arms is on everyone's lips

"From my cold deadly hands" someone quips

And I've just come to learn

That his major concern

Is a vampire and zombie eclipse

Why do I write?

Madeleine Kane inspired this. It's shamelessly sophomoric and it won't happen again.

Why do I write?

by Rick Lime

You might ask why the morning birds sing

Or why rolling cathedral bells ring

It’s a passion that aches

Like the impulse that makes

A kite dance on the end of a string

Three Stooges Poetry

Three Stooges Poetry

by Rick Lime

There once was a silly old poet

Gravitas in his work, he’d forgo it

‘Cuz if given the chance

He would pull down his pants

And just “Larry and Curly and Moe” it

---


There once was a silly old poet
Immature, with no hope to outgrow it
A limerick rookie
Obsessed over nookie
He don’t care whoever might know it

A man who was eating a roll

A man who was eating a roll

by Rick Lime

Check out Mad Kane's weekly Limeric-Off

http://www.madkane.com/humor_blog/2013/02/17/role-limerick-off-monday/

William Tell and his son on a roll

At the Lucky Strike Lanes set a goal

T' at least spare every frame

But their team had no name

So we don't know for whom the Tells bowl

The hillsides may hummock and roll

And the valleys can basin and bowl

But as far as I see

There forever will be

In the world, only one grassy knoll

A woman was "eating a roll"

That's sex talk for "pollish the pole"

And while I'm not fluent

"Mamada"s congruent

With both phrases en espanol

Her drummer was drumming a roll

A fiddle-er fingered his scroll

Beyonce innuendo-ed

The chorus crescendo-ed

Much more than the melody swole

Idle No More?

Idle No More?

by Rick Lime

They oppose the new omnibus bill

But their battle for change is uphill

I could stand up with pride

And say "I'm on their side"

Or just sit and remain idle still

Controlled Release

This was 'inspired' by a medical journal article about the controlled release of medication. An FB friend suggested the magazine probably never came early. (So, I have some one else to blame for this)

Controlled Release

by Rick Lime

There is a young man, call him X

His release is controlled during sex

So, he comes every time

That his clock starts to chime

And, to Pavlov he pays his respects

A Quickie

A Quickie

by Rick Lime

He's a Bam thank you Ma'am kind of chap

He makes love and he's done in a snap

I'll resume my critique

Of his bedroom technique

But he'll first have to wake from his nap

A man who'd been recently canned

A man who'd been recently canned

by Rick Lime

Check out Mad Kane's weekly Limeric-Off

http://www.madkane.com/humor_blog/2013/02/03/canned-limerick-off-monday

An escort was recently canned

For lit'rally  beating the band

She was given the boot

When her Madame found oout

She'd been giving them all a free hand

A woman was recently canned

For teaching that one in the hand

Was worth two in the bush

It's a theory she'd push

But not one that us boys understand

To paraphrase Donald, "You're Canned!"

Pointing finger, mock pistol in hand

It's no TV show lout

That he's talking about

But his face in the mirror all tanned

A song that was recently canned

By Ms Knowles and the President's band

Has ignited a fire

And while not a pyre

The idiot flames have been fanned

A gal who'd been recently canned

Was asked "Sarah, what next have you planned?"

First she hummed, then she hawed

Then inspired by god

She said "Share More Broadly the Message of the Beauty of Freedom and the Imperative of Defending Our Republic and Restoring This Most Exceptional Nation"

A man who'd been recently canned

For visiting sites that were banned

Found it hard to let go

For a minute or so

He'd it all in the palm of his hand

A woman was recently canned

For indecently using a hand

To first hide then reveal

Then refuse to conceal

The two parts that she hadn't quite tanned

And a couple of alternate rhymes about the Super Bowl

The super bowl's finally here

Seems the hype has been building all year

And while some think the game

Is exceedingly lame

We'll use any excuse to drink beer

QBs throw the bombs, LBs blitz

The coach barks his orders and spits

While boys from the benches

Make war in the trenches

And fans drink Budweiser and Schlitz

Ye Olde Candy Shoppe

Ye Olde Candy Shoppe

by Rick Lime

My friend runs "Ye Olde Candy Shoppe"

In a town with a new "Quickie Stop"

And I don't think he knows

Down the street, while he's closed

That the price goes up ten cents a pop

Coffee Klatch

Coffee Klatch

by Rick Lime

For the news I'm afraid there's no match

Who's deceased, what bride made a good catch

Will the coach get the boot

"Think the waitress is cute?"

Don't be late for the town coffee klatch

For Bobby Burns

I posted this on facebook last week, but forgot to blog it.

For Bobby Burns

by Rick Lime

A man is a man for a’ that

His money’s worth nary a squat

Yet with poor honesty

An’ through brotherhood he’ll

Be a king, for a’ that and a’ that

A fellow stepped into the hall

Entries in Mad Kane's weekly limerick off contest

A fellow stepped into a hall

by Rick Lime

A woman stepped into the holl-er

A classic’ly trained square dance call-er

She plays Ludwig Van

And says “Left Allemande”

With the chance that the dancers might Mahl-er

When Ms Clinton stepped into the hall

“You’d be fired by me” said Rand Paul

Hear the Oz lion sing

“If I’d only been king”

Is that pride going before the fall?

A fellow stepped into the hall
First he wept, then he started to bawl
There’s Liz Lemon and Jack
Tracy Morgan and Krak
He had just said good bye to them all

A feller was fixin ta haul
His ramshackle wreck to St. Paul
The dad-burned directions
Shore had imperfections
He purt near drove by Montreal

A fellow stepped into the hall

‘tween the bed and the head on the yawl

And then grinning he swore

“I’ve been blown offshore

And my mast is beginning to fall”

If’n y’all would step into the hall
This here feudin’ we jes might forestall
Ain’t rightly my bidness
But this pro and quid-ness
Is too high-falutin, by gall

How long is that?

How long is that?

by Rick Lime

A transferring student named Peter

Went in search of the school totter-teeter

Asking "Where's the school yard?"

The old teacher mis-h'ard

And said "Just shorter than a school meter."

Burn in

It's been a while since I wrote something lewd or risque.

Burn in

by Rick Lime

It betrays all the time that he spends

On those days with his internet “friends”

There’s an image of asses

Burned into his glasses

That “search xxx” recommends

Hopey Change

I don't think I'm generally spiteful, but sometimes ...

Hopey Change

by Rick Lime

A while ago, Palin would shout

"How's that hopey change thing workin' out?"

At the start of this term

She's beginning to squirm

'Cuz her tea party's almost in rout