Sunday, 2 August 2015

The Third Plank

I first told this story to some friends I knew for a short period of time many decades ago. I really don't mean to make too light of the subject matter, but they thought it was quite funny. Then again, they were a captive audience.

Since before I could even grow stubble
My drinking has got me in trouble
But the worst that it got
Might be when I was caught
In my car after drinking a double (or six)

First the cops put me under arrest
Then the judge wasn’t very impressed
Though he granted me bail
He said “You’ll go to jail
If you fail to perform on my test”

Then he said “Booze imbibing’s a bane
And I think the whole world should abstain
So return here, young man
In a week with a plan
So you won’t stand before me again”

I said “Thank you your worship, your grace”
Hurried home to consider my case
Then went back in a week
And proceeded to speak
Of the plan that I’d put into place

I said “Judge, I knew just what to do
First, I scissored my licence in two”
But the judge, somewhat gruff
Said “That isn’t enough
And I hope for your sake you’re not through”

“No your honor”, I said with some pluck
“By itself, I agree, that would suck
But my plan is to walk
So I hope you don't balk
When I tell you I peddled my truck”

Then the judge looked at me quite unkind
Like he thought I was out of my mind
He said "Sonny I think
You'll still drive when you drink
So it’s off to the clink and you’re fined"

I begged “Judge, ‘fore I go to the can
I implore you, I’m now a new man
First my license is gone
Then my truck is in pawn
And I've still got a plank in my plan

On those nights when I'm tipping the jar
I no longer will have to go far
I'll just drink where I'm at
‘Cuz I gave up my flat
And I took a room over the bar”