A fellow was making Franz Liszt

A fellow was making Franz Liszt

by Rick Lime

A fellow was making Franz Liszt

There've been rumors at least, of a tryst

But Chopin was his rival

And so this contrival

Holds no proof the men even kissed

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Happy TV New Years

Happy TV New Years

by Rick Lime

As another ball falls in Time Square

And another show goes off the air

A new idol gets picked

A survivor gets kicked

And for one more year we prepare

Ironic traditions

Ironic traditions

by Rick Lime

Some Christmas traditions seem quirky

Like frankincense gold and the myrrh. Key 

to some on the list

Is an ironic twist

Like for dinner we gobble a turkey

Santa's list

Santa's list

by Rick Lime

Mr Claus since they say you bring toys

To a list of all good girls and boys

Either you’re a real cad

Or all poor kids are bad

Your regressiveness sadly annoys

If the milk is free ...

If the milk is free ...

by Rick Lime

If the milk is free don’t buy the goat

Paraphrases an adage of note

But, there's women who see

Things quite differently

They’ll have sausage and not buy the shoat

Going down in history

Going down in history

by Rick Lime

A butch from around Dawson Crick

Met an Irish femme in Limerick

So it came as no myst’ry

They went down in hist’ry

As Klon-dyke and little Gay-lick

A likely story

A likely story

by Rick Lime

The trial was about to commence

When the lawyer, at no small expense

Said “My clients no creep,

With regards to that sheep

He was helping it over the fence”

Hide your stash

Hide your stash

by Rick Lime

If the drug cops bust you for the crime

Of possessing a bag worth a dime

Here’s advice I will share

Throw it high in the air

But this only works for a short time

Lesbian frogs ... really?

Lesbian frogs ... really?

by Rick Lime

Two lesbian frogs were love stricken

Before long their legs started kickin’

And when they were done

Piped up frog number one

“I’m surprised but we do taste like chicken”

Liars and whores

Liars and whores

by Rick Lime

(after the NRA's outrageous response to the Sandy Hook school massacre)

The NRA’s statements aren't true

Arming cross walk attendants won't do

Fewer guns, fewer deaths

Fewer children's last breaths

Let's bid all assault weapons adieu

NRA leadership doesn't see

Their proposal's as insane can be

We'll have nothing less than

An assault weapons ban

And most NRA members agree

So now let's try to do this once more

And ban all guns designed to wage war

If your rep on the hill

Doesn't sign such a bill

Then you're represented by a whore

Al fresco

Al fresco

by Rick Lime

It was dark in the park after class

They lay down for a quick piece of ass

But her frustration grew

So she said "Please can you

Find a light and stop eating the grass?"

The stupid channel

The stupid channel

by Rick Lime

The pundits on Fox News are cursed

But as idiots who would come first?

I’ll be even meaner

Each one is a wiener

To be precise I mean dumbwurst

It's like watching professional wrestling for journalists.

He should have told Friday

He should have told Friday

by Rick Lime

For several years, maybe more

Robin Crusoe at night would implore

“Please god send me a date”

Then by luck or by fate

Halle Berry got washed up onshore

So, he rescued her out of the swell

And soon deep into love they both fell

Then one day Crusoe said

"May I please call you Ted

Maybe cut your hair shorter as well?"

Next evening while dinner was stewing

They walked down the beach two by two-ing

He took her aside

And he whispered with pride

“Ted, you’ll never believe who I’m doing”

Bah Humbug

Bah Humbug

by Rick Lime

Merry Christmas and Joyeux Noel

Season’s greetings, please let me dispel

That humbuggy rumor

I’m in a bad humor

Happy New Year, sing Ding Dang Dong Dell

Who's counting

Who's counting

by Rick Lime

There's just three kinds of people, I'll grant

As a number that might appear scant

But the first group, like me

Know to count up to three

While the folks in the other group can't

A woman who always wore blue

A woman who always wore blue

by Rick Lime

A woman who always wore blue

Got her dress stained by Pres forty-two

He said “Lew stop that gumming

I hear someone coming”

She said “Bill I think that it’s you”

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Monty Hall's puzzle

Monty Hall's puzzle

By Rick Lime

Monty Hall was a game show host whiz

All acclaim for this puzzle is his

He'd deliver his spiel

Then say "Let's make a deal".

And that show is the scene for this quiz

A young couple was once asked to choose

Curtain A, B, or C, with no clues

Only one holds a prize

So it's no big surprise

There's a two in three chance that they'll lose

Their decision's the one labeled C

And they're happy as kids in a tree

'Cuz the host quickly shows

What he already knows

That there's nothing behind curtain B

But the host has got one final play

And it's argued about to this day

He now says they can switch

And that leads to my pitch

Would you keep C or trade it for A?

Missing Money

Missing Money

by Rick Lime

December 11, 2012

There once were three men from Khartoum

And for thirty pounds they rent a room

So, they each put in ten

But we're not at the end

There's much more to this tale, let's resume

Now, the Inn keeper's erred in the rate

Tells his bellboy  five pounds to rebate

He gives one to each guest 

And then he keeps the rest

Well, this theft makes the landlord irate

Cuz some money is missing, although

Where it possibly went, he don't know

Each paid nine for their kip

Plus the two kept in tip

There's another pound yet, where'd it go?

I'm not old

I'm not old

by Rick Lime

I’m not old cuz I walk with a stoop

I’m not old cuz some parts of me droop

But I’m more old than not

Cuz I recently bought

Campbell’s large type face alphabet soup

Eye Contact

Eye Contact

by Rick Lime

On occasion I've heard her confess

Conversations with men cause her stress

She can't look in their eyes

Although that's no surprise

Cuz her eyes are not down on her breasts

Henny Youngman's joke

Henny Youngman's joke
by Rick Lime

She was single, straight and twenty-nine

So she searched for a husband on-line
On her very first try
She received a reply
It said "Stop your search, you can have mine!"

A fellow in need of a doc

A fellow in need of a doc

by Rick Lime

A fellow in need of a doc

With some folklore was starting to balk

He ate Red Delicious

But puked repetitious

That apple a day thing’s a crock

Check out Mad Kane's weekly Limerick Off contest

Not too urbane

Not too urbane

by Rick Lime

A man who was not too urbane

Delayed posting this half writ refrain

A schlemiel and a schmuck

He just ran out of luck

Finding rhyming words not too profane

Check out Mad Kane's limerick off contest

Politically Incorrect

Politically Incorrect

by Rick Lime

This PC politeness must end

'Cause we're all too afraid to offend

If you thnk I'm a prick

And my sight makes you sick

Then with all due respect, let's unfriend.

The affair

The affair

by Rick Lime

A director was fired, it was due

It seemed kinky but proved to be true

He was in an affair

With the boards easy chair

And the Chairwoman lost her job too.

The Brazilian

The Brazilian

by Rick Lime

A lady with tears in her eyes

Said,  gesturing down ‘tween her thighs,

 “I've done something silly an’

I've had a Brazilly an'

I said “You've had how many guys”?

No more sex?

No more sex?

by Rick Lime

A young wife to her husband did speak

“Doctor says no more sex for a week”

Quoth the husband “I pray

That your dentist will say

You can just use a different technique”